I Understand Now

For those that know I just got back from California for my Uncle's funeral. Also for those that know from a previous blog, I had Daddy issues. I say had because I was forced to realize some things about him and myself. We are the same. I had mixed emotions about going to Cali because of the simple fact I would be with him (the guy in the video below). A couple of days before I was suppose to leave, I texted my cousin who lives in Cali about the funeral. Of course he asked who I was coming with and I replied, "your cousin and his wife." Not that I had anything against her I just didn't like him. He responds back, "T, don't be like that give him a chance." Reading the text, I seriously laughed and thought "Is this nigga serious?" I couldn't possibly give this man a second chance. He knew that. This man had deserted me and then smiles in my face, along with everyone else claiming to be a proud parent that he is not. There was no way in Hell I could do that. It just wasn't in me. Fuck him and the situation. Conversation Ended.

Sitting in the gold Volvo on the day of my departure, I'm trying to get my mind right. My sister had just exited the back seat leaving me and my mom to a conversation I knew wasn't avoidable. The topic of him resurfaced again. "Now don't be rude because I know how you are," was all she really had to say to make my face change. She already knew that with me riding with him, no words would be exchanged beside the basics of no, yes, maybe, your welcome, and thank you. To be frank, I was a bitch when it came to anything dealing with this man. Far as I was concerned, he was shit and didn't need to be addressed. We haven't had words spoken for 19 years. I could push for more. Wouldn't made a difference to me seeing as I was use to it. I just looked at her, holding back the tears in my welling eyes and nodded. I didn't want to cry but she knew I hurt. "Why are you so angry? You don't even why your angry." Again I looked at her, speaking this time of course. "I'm angry because he wasn't there. The time he had he wasted and pretended I didn't exist. Far as I'm concerned, I don't want to be bothered." She nodded understanding to me, but asked me to keep from being rude. I kept my word.

I was so excited to be stepping off a plane unto West Coast soil. My sister and I pulled our bags towards the big red Navigator that was my deceased uncle's and loaded it up. We exchanged words with his son and his wife and continued towards the house. A feeling of joy washed over me seeing family I hadn't seen in years chatting it up and grabbing me in for hugs and kisses. Walked in to the house, I hugged my aunt all the while dragging my belongings behind me to my cousin's bedroom. I sat in the living room for a while listening in on the stories of my uncle and his work he had done in his city of Westminster, California before going to look for my sister. She, along with my cousin, his girlfriend, and mom were sprawled across his bed making jokes. Soon as I entered the room the whole mood changed. "And I need to talk to you about your daddy Tiera," his mom spoke. I was so damn tired of this conversation! The frustration was all on my face as she began to speak beckoning me to sit next to her. She explained how much my Uncle wanted to help us meet amends and how my Grandfather would too. I understood all that. I really did but I need things on my time. Once again, I nodded, wiped my face and continued in on the jokes.

The weekend passed, the funeral came, and I was really quite enjoying myself. Though him and myself never set down and had a conversation, I learned so much about him just from the people around me. He did actually want to be around but he didn't know how too. He was only doing to me what was done to him as a child by his mother. As long as I have lived, we have never spoken, held a decent conversation, or even looked at each other long enough to create a nice thought. In my eyes, he was the man that left me. He was the man that was suppose to be at my graduations, give me good advice, run off boys, teach me how a man is suppose to treat me but he didn't. But I am okay with that. The way I viewed him, is the same way he viewed my grandmother. The way I hold my mother up on a pedestal is the same way he still cherishes my grandfather's memory. Though I would rather him cherish my grandfather in trying to me more like him, I know that won't happen. And I know that change in me won't happen over night. All I really can say now is that the picture is clearer. I understand now.