Virgin....OMG did I Just Cuss?

I am a Virgin.

Now I'm just waiting to hear all the "Nahh Uhs," "You lyin," and "Your to cute to be a virgin." All that dumb shit. Why has it come a time in life where if you are a virgin and express that fact that you are, people look at you like you just cussed them out in arabic? It's the weirdest thing to me. For maybe two or more weeks now everyone, including my parents have questioned my sexual experience. When I tell then the truth about not having sex, they go into the lecture mode about how I shouldn't and say things such "If you REALLY are like you REALLY say you are.." which pisses me off. Yet if I lie, I get nothing but a "yea right," and they keep it moving as if I haven't said a damn thing. Is it really that impossible for me to be adult virgin, with good looks, a good head on my shoulders, and a very attractive boyfriend who is willing to wait? According to my peers, the answer is yes.

Making our way back from my stick driving lesson, my boyfriend and I entered his home to be greeted by the birthday girl, his mother. The whole night his family and friends called to wish them both a happy birthday, seeing as his bday was the next day. When the phone got to him, all his relatives and friends asked a rather simple question, "What are you doing?" He told them he was with me and that's when more little comments came. "Oh so you gettin' an early birthday present tonight," and "Make sure you wrap it up," and blah blah blah. It took me aback for them to even assume that we were sexing because they don't even know me. I didn't even know about some of these people until they called, and for them to automatically assume he getting some because we decided to spend some time together threw me. I can't just lay up on my boyfriend and watch damn movie or hold conversation without it going farther?? I guess my generation is that predictable and nasty that everything we do has to involve sex. But I'm not.

While on the phone yesterday, I get a text from one of my good friends. We get to talking about the day and about our boyfriends, just about a bunch of girly nonsense then the topic changed to sex. Just so happend at that same time the episode of MEET THE BROWNS was on sex and my mom was sitting next to me quite as a church mouse. I continued to text. She told me while at school that day her girlfriends where talking about who, what, and how they been "gettin' it in" and she had nothing to say. She too is a virgin. When they asked why she had nothing to say, she simply told them, "I have no experience. I am a virgin." I'm pretty sure after that confession, they went into the whole spill of "Girl you don't know what you missing." Do they not understand, virgins don't care what they have been missing because they haven't had it yet. That's just how I feel. I can't miss something I have never had or want something I never felt I needed. It took me this long to even find a boyfriend so why would I even rush into sex with someone I'm still getting to know. I like him but I'm not ready. He knows that and respects my decision. He may be the one later on down the line I will call my husband and yes, that's when he will get the goods but until then no. I don't want my special gift to my man to be all used up and worthless when it comes his time to have all of me. I'm not knocking anybody who want to have sex before marriage. If that's your thing by all means do you baby, but be wise. Everybody don't deserve all the greatness you have to give. Keep giving it away, you will have nothing to give to your future but crumbs. Excuse my language but I don't want to be CRUMB PUSSY.

ummHM CONGRADULATIONS!

I'm laying in bed as I reflect back to my last year in high school. Then I think to myself, "DAMN GIRL, IT HAS BEEN A YEAR!" only making me feel so much older than I really am. As I got older and realized school wasn't the place for me, I enjoyed senior year so much more because of the memories I shared and the people I had met along the way. I'm even talking about folks I didn't met until the day before we graduated. One's I never knew existed until seated next to me ready to recieve that good ol' diploma.



I remember like it was yesterday, sitting in the Ted Constance Center soaking in my surroundings. Everything was so surreal that it felt like an out of body experience. I never saw myself graduating. Not that I'm a dumb girl by far but the older I got the less I saw myself alive past 18 years and graduating. Don't ask why, I just didn't. To make it to this stage of my life was a blessing and to have my family and peers that I had made over the course of two years rooting for me was a great feeling. There was this gorgeous girl who sat next to me. I didn't know her and she didn't know me but during the cermony after we recieved our diplomas, we began a small conversation. We coaxed eachother not to cry while holding eachothers hand as the school principal declared us Norview High School Alumni, Class of '08. We smiled and shead happy tears as we walked back through the double doors exiting back into the real world. Everything was so surreal. It hadn't sunk in yet. I recieved my diploma and proceeded to take picture with my family in the blazing June heat. Had to been at least 100 degrees outside. It was a sea of smiling faces and then I saw her again. Driving past me, she smiled and through a wave my way. "Good Luck!! I hope to see you in the future," she said. And that was the last I saw her.

I only sit back now and think on the day because it has become my sister's turn. She strutts across the stage in true diva fashion getting applause from every corner of the Va Beach Pavillion. I am so proud of who she is, where she is and who she is to become. To my little sister, the future Virginia Union student, I love you. Good luck and hope to see the new and improved you in the future!

Sitcom Funny, Life not so Much.

Just imagine, you have went this up and down "friendlationship" (yes I just made that word up) and it was the best and worse situation you have ever experienced in your life. You were in love with this person. Hell, you don't even know if you still are but certainly know they still hold a place in the spot where your heart used to be. You didn't mean to fall for them but you did. Small things remind you of this person and when it ended you were a ball of emotions. When you talked to them, tears masked your face but in front of friends too tough to say you were hurt so played the "fuck them" card. You slowly progress taking the steps to getting over them and then everythings cool until you find yourself saying "What the fuck?!"

Laying in bed and my cell starts to ring beside my head. I don't understand why the hell people figure they can hit me up early in the morning. I guess because they know I'm up around 8 but so what!! Any how, it's my home boy and he like "What's good for the day?" I got the day off, the weather is in my favor today, and I'm just in a good ass mood so we decide to hang out. Getting ready, I let my mind drift off to somebody I haven't been trying to think about but I quickly just brush it off and continue on. Homeboy shows up and my door round 9-10ish so I gotta skip the extra glam factor of the day to leave. As we are riding we making jokes, conversating (I know it's not a real word), and listening to this hot underground artist. Quick glances as I take in my surrounds noticing everything looks extra familar and I remember why. We were heading to his house. Damn.

As were pulling up, my mood kind of shifted. I kept having to laugh at the situation to keep myself from choking his life out and besides he was the one driving. He already knew if I knew we were going to his house, I would have opted to say home. I wasn't planning on seeing him any time this summer while he was home from school. Of course I used the line, "Well hopefully we run into each other," bullshit like I really meant any word of what I said. Homeboy and I had this conversation before about all of us hanging out together as friends and I told him that was not going to be an option because I can't deal with it right now. I'm trying to move on and up without regressing into a state of depression. Before stepping out of the car, homeboy looks at me and says "You straight." Even if I wasn't, I won't about to be no punk so I said yea and got out the car following right behind him to the entrance of this house of memories. A rhythmic knock on the door and less than a minute later it was opened. Suprise, suprise! He didn't even know I was coming just like I didn't know I was going to be there.

I stepped in, said good morning to everybody and took a seat. Not many words to say on my end because one I was still in a state of shock like "what the hell am I doing here?" Once there, I figured we wouldn't be there long but next thing I know his mom is cooking breakfast for everyone and it was two hours later. That two hours turned into four as we sitting around looking at each other as they are waiting for me to come forth with some type of words to let them know I'm coherent. "Are we friends Tee-Tee? Because I'm not feeling the connection," he says. I felt like I was in an episode of THE GAME playing Melanie and he Derwin. I'm thinking where are the damn camara's and who wrote this script because this is not a funny episode.

My First Video



The New Video-Enjoy!

I Understand Now

For those that know I just got back from California for my Uncle's funeral. Also for those that know from a previous blog, I had Daddy issues. I say had because I was forced to realize some things about him and myself. We are the same. I had mixed emotions about going to Cali because of the simple fact I would be with him (the guy in the video below). A couple of days before I was suppose to leave, I texted my cousin who lives in Cali about the funeral. Of course he asked who I was coming with and I replied, "your cousin and his wife." Not that I had anything against her I just didn't like him. He responds back, "T, don't be like that give him a chance." Reading the text, I seriously laughed and thought "Is this nigga serious?" I couldn't possibly give this man a second chance. He knew that. This man had deserted me and then smiles in my face, along with everyone else claiming to be a proud parent that he is not. There was no way in Hell I could do that. It just wasn't in me. Fuck him and the situation. Conversation Ended.

Sitting in the gold Volvo on the day of my departure, I'm trying to get my mind right. My sister had just exited the back seat leaving me and my mom to a conversation I knew wasn't avoidable. The topic of him resurfaced again. "Now don't be rude because I know how you are," was all she really had to say to make my face change. She already knew that with me riding with him, no words would be exchanged beside the basics of no, yes, maybe, your welcome, and thank you. To be frank, I was a bitch when it came to anything dealing with this man. Far as I was concerned, he was shit and didn't need to be addressed. We haven't had words spoken for 19 years. I could push for more. Wouldn't made a difference to me seeing as I was use to it. I just looked at her, holding back the tears in my welling eyes and nodded. I didn't want to cry but she knew I hurt. "Why are you so angry? You don't even why your angry." Again I looked at her, speaking this time of course. "I'm angry because he wasn't there. The time he had he wasted and pretended I didn't exist. Far as I'm concerned, I don't want to be bothered." She nodded understanding to me, but asked me to keep from being rude. I kept my word.

I was so excited to be stepping off a plane unto West Coast soil. My sister and I pulled our bags towards the big red Navigator that was my deceased uncle's and loaded it up. We exchanged words with his son and his wife and continued towards the house. A feeling of joy washed over me seeing family I hadn't seen in years chatting it up and grabbing me in for hugs and kisses. Walked in to the house, I hugged my aunt all the while dragging my belongings behind me to my cousin's bedroom. I sat in the living room for a while listening in on the stories of my uncle and his work he had done in his city of Westminster, California before going to look for my sister. She, along with my cousin, his girlfriend, and mom were sprawled across his bed making jokes. Soon as I entered the room the whole mood changed. "And I need to talk to you about your daddy Tiera," his mom spoke. I was so damn tired of this conversation! The frustration was all on my face as she began to speak beckoning me to sit next to her. She explained how much my Uncle wanted to help us meet amends and how my Grandfather would too. I understood all that. I really did but I need things on my time. Once again, I nodded, wiped my face and continued in on the jokes.

The weekend passed, the funeral came, and I was really quite enjoying myself. Though him and myself never set down and had a conversation, I learned so much about him just from the people around me. He did actually want to be around but he didn't know how too. He was only doing to me what was done to him as a child by his mother. As long as I have lived, we have never spoken, held a decent conversation, or even looked at each other long enough to create a nice thought. In my eyes, he was the man that left me. He was the man that was suppose to be at my graduations, give me good advice, run off boys, teach me how a man is suppose to treat me but he didn't. But I am okay with that. The way I viewed him, is the same way he viewed my grandmother. The way I hold my mother up on a pedestal is the same way he still cherishes my grandfather's memory. Though I would rather him cherish my grandfather in trying to me more like him, I know that won't happen. And I know that change in me won't happen over night. All I really can say now is that the picture is clearer. I understand now.

Don't Fall Asleep

Man this has had to been my favorite part of my trip to Cali. Pretty much we got that muthaEFFIN a**. lol

SINGING FOR YOU..rest in PARADISE

Thursday was the day I would leave for my first trip away with the girls. NO PARENTS, NO RULES, NO RESPONSIBILITIES but to keep myself safe. It was for the celebration for my girl, partner in vocal damage, and close friend Lyrik for her 19th birthday (go check out her blog: goldiva.blogspot.com). We were heading to Myrtle Beach in the gloomiest of weather that was forshadowing the mood I would later find myself in. When arriving at the hotel, we paid our fees and went up to the room to change into something cute, tight, but loose enough to get our grub on in. Just let it be known that we love to eat and shut the Hard Rock down! It was the most gorgeous place I have seen inside and out with the structure of a pyriamid. Later that night came the movie Last House on The Left which was a great movie by far. With full stomachs and captivating images of nice weather, shopping expedition, and guys we would meet on our trip sleep took over.

I know I am not dreaming when I hear Day 26's "Stadium Music" instrumental coming from my phone at 7:28 in the morning. I ignore the phone call quickly hitting the button to turn the sound off only be hear a new song playing in my ear two seconds later. Whoever had the balls to call my phone that early must have had to tell me something urgent, so I check and it's my grandmother. I call back as I was standing on the balcony of the hotel for her to give me some crushing news. My Uncle Butch had just passed away that morning. I stood in shock not knowing what to do with myself. I just looked at my phone and tried my best to keep my voice from cracking. She asked, "T, are you okay?" And I gave her the simpliest answer I could muster up. "Yes." The last time I saw him it was because of a funeral this past summer and now the next time and last time I will see him will be at his. We talked about coming to visit him in California, about him being in VA for my sister's graduations this June, the last family reunion, my Grand Daddy, Uncle Carlos, and all the other good times we shared with them on this Earth. I called my mom. I had to break the news to her but it felt like I was hearing it for the first time all over again. Immediately, I started crying as my mom said a prayer. Though I couldn't understand what she was saying because of my crying, I knew it would make a difference. Plus at that moment my friends were right beside me rubbing my back letting me know I was going to be okay. Got of the phone, wiped my face, and enter back into the hotel room. For a good minute in time, I sat and just stared at the ceiling wondering why would this, no how could this happen now? My friends entered behind me and sat in the midst of my silence with me until I broke it with a "Happy Birthday Britt." With that, I started my daily morning rituals and sang a song. He, along with my Grand Daddy and Uncle Carlos wouldn't want me crying. They would want me singing. And I know they are singing for me right now.

First Love Dies Hard

As much as I want to kill it, it provokes me. It knows deep down inside I never wanted him to leave. And I know, as much as we parade around to be "just friends", we will never and never have been just that. When I allow my mind to relapse in time, I think about one specific night we spent on the Virginia Beach Strip. We stepped side by side while I cautiously watched my feet for sand crabs. I allowed the sand to dance across my toes for a while until you felt the need to scream one was on my foot leaving me to run as fast as I possibly could in sand and sandals. You just laughed at my antics and casually walked towards my position on the steps kissing me lightly. That for me was one of the best nights we shared together as an "Unofficially Official" couple. Felt like this was the best my life could get and without him my heart would definitely fail me. In a way it did. I felt my heart failed me by allowing my heart to love. To love the one person I know I couldn't total have because he belonged to another and as much as it pained me to say it, I was the other woman. The person I swore never in a million, zillion years I would ever be. Yet here I was on the beach enjoying a beautiful night with somebody who shared titles with another. I let my mind drift back to my current situation becoming a little misty eyed. I can't help it. I stare at my cracked Dell laptop screen and see I have received another IM from this "friend" of mine. The conversation starts as something lack luster only to build upon a more sensitive topic of our "relationship" together. From his side of the story, it was I who was always playing games, running with his emotions, and being fake. While I on the other hand saw it as him having his girlfriends, playing with my emotions, and not being completely honest with me is what kept us apart. Why were we even on the topic any way? From what I understood, he has a new girlfriend, so what did it matter that we weren't together or how we still feel about each other? The feelings that I still have remain irrelevant. The same love that I had for you when this relationship first developed too many years ago is still a pointless, irrelevant blur of my emotions. Aye Love, you found me when we were twelve years old and from then on I was never the same. We matured together, stuck with each other throughout different rough patches, supported one another, fought with one another, talked, listened, smiled, laughed, and cried with one another. I couldn't erase you from my memory if I wanted to because you have had too much to do with my life. Shoot I even picked up some of your habits and mannerisms. You are the only one I can speak the words "I love you" to without cringing at the fact it actually came out of my mouth. But from where I'm standing and from what I see, us will never officially happen. I use to be satisfied with thinking I had all of you. I used to be happy knowing I had a part of you but now if I can't have all of you I don't want none of you. So I guess I have to grow up some more without you, right?

I just had to

I look DAMN GOOD!!

A taste of the Old Days

This weekend was one of the best I had in a long time. For these two short days, I got a taste of the old days when it would be just the girls, meaning Mommy, sister, and myself. I remember the days when for no reason we would just go catch a movie at Pembrooke and go get some shoes before it started. This was like an every weekend thing just so my mom could spend time with her favorite girls. I loved it and the older I get, I miss it more and more. That's why I'm so glad that my mom didn't pass up this weekend without letting it be like when I was younger. If it were me, I would've been in the house doing the most reckless thing I that I do, DOWNLOADING..oooohh. Lmao. I really loved the two days with no male interruption, the stuffing of the faces at Red Lobster, and the shopping in the rain. I could never get too old for days like this.