As of lately, I have been questioning myself more than usual. Each days thoughts for the better part of the year have mainly consisted of the happiness of my children, life after divorce, finding the perfect home, and starting some sort of business to contribute to my family's generational wealth. However, for at least the past two months, I've been having the same nagging question in the back of head: Would having a conversation with my biological father be beneficial to my life?
It all started about three months ago at my first little sisters' gender reveal party. It had been a good day so far and I was truly just enjoying the flow. I was a few drinks into my day from my best friend's birthday brunch and nothing could kill my mood. I was in such a great mood, I never even noticed my biological dad and his wife come into the party. My heart was living in the moment with my sisters and my friend. I will admit, I am not a fan of either party but my momma taught me to be respectful and my way of doing that is to stay out the way. I like to think I move around like a ghost. I am seen and heard from only when I want to be. That day and any other day I am in close quarters with them, I am the ghost. Personality and all evaporates into thin air. The girl my close friends and family know and love, becomes a shell. I hate that I am that way but it has been one of the many defense mechanism that allow me to move forward with little to no emotions being disturbed. During the course of the party, his wife walks over to speak to myself and younger sister about taking a picture with him. My younger sister says no and continues a conversation with her. Like always, I say very little and slide myself away from the conversation. Soon after, I am briefed on the conversation and told off for exiting that same conversation I had no interest in by my younger sister. I didn't let it bother me much, instead I left to continue enjoying my day with my best friend for her birthday. Night comes and my sister again approaches me to talk but this time with the angle of having a meaningful conversation with a man who has never been in my life. Now, I am 30 years old. To me, the time to talk has passed but I continue to listen to her anyway.
Weeks have gone by with the past conversation lingering still in my mind. Although most times I am unbothered, I couldn't shake the weight placed on my shoulders. Just hearing my sister tell me everyone was looking to me for the next move was too much. She wanted closure as well as my oldest sister and I was made to think, I was the one holding them back. The entire work day, I thought on what I should do. I even called my mom for some advice. Then I made the decision to reach out to both my sisters to get something set up. Needless to say, that conversation took a left turn and the conversation between my bio dad and myself has not happened. My mind ping pongs back and forth everyday about is it even worth it. Is there anything to gain? What can I stand to lose? Will this conversation make me into a better parent? Will I be freed from this anger I've carried for all these years? Will it help me to allow love back into my life? Will this give me the ability to trust? If I continue to question myself, I may never know.
