As much as I want to kill it, it provokes me. It knows deep down inside I never wanted him to leave. And I know, as much as we parade around to be "just friends", we will never and never have been just that. When I allow my mind to relapse in time, I think about one specific night we spent on the Virginia Beach Strip. We stepped side by side while I cautiously watched my feet for sand crabs. I allowed the sand to dance across my toes for a while until you felt the need to scream one was on my foot leaving me to run as fast as I possibly could in sand and sandals. You just laughed at my antics and casually walked towards my position on the steps kissing me lightly. That for me was one of the best nights we shared together as an "Unofficially Official" couple. Felt like this was the best my life could get and without him my heart would definitely fail me. In a way it did. I felt my heart failed me by allowing my heart to love. To love the one person I know I couldn't total have because he belonged to another and as much as it pained me to say it, I was the other woman. The person I swore never in a million, zillion years I would ever be. Yet here I was on the beach enjoying a beautiful night with somebody who shared titles with another. I let my mind drift back to my current situation becoming a little misty eyed. I can't help it. I stare at my cracked Dell laptop screen and see I have received another IM from this "friend" of mine. The conversation starts as something lack luster only to build upon a more sensitive topic of our "relationship" together. From his side of the story, it was I who was always playing games, running with his emotions, and being fake. While I on the other hand saw it as him having his girlfriends, playing with my emotions, and not being completely honest with me is what kept us apart. Why were we even on the topic any way? From what I understood, he has a new girlfriend, so what did it matter that we weren't together or how we still feel about each other? The feelings that I still have remain irrelevant. The same love that I had for you when this relationship first developed too many years ago is still a pointless, irrelevant blur of my emotions. Aye Love, you found me when we were twelve years old and from then on I was never the same. We matured together, stuck with each other throughout different rough patches, supported one another, fought with one another, talked, listened, smiled, laughed, and cried with one another. I couldn't erase you from my memory if I wanted to because you have had too much to do with my life. Shoot I even picked up some of your habits and mannerisms. You are the only one I can speak the words "I love you" to without cringing at the fact it actually came out of my mouth. But from where I'm standing and from what I see, us will never officially happen. I use to be satisfied with thinking I had all of you. I used to be happy knowing I had a part of you but now if I can't have all of you I don't want none of you. So I guess I have to grow up some more without you, right?
